DEAR HARRIETTE: My 16-year-old daughter is going through a rebellious phase. She has a lot of jealousy toward her friends because they come from wealthy families.
My husband and I are middle-class, but this is not good enough for my daughter. She often comes home from school and yells at me and my husband for not making enough money. She wants to have the same things and experiences that her friends have, and because she can’t, she feels less than them.
I tell her that her dad and I worked hard to get where we are today. We came from poor families and have overcome so much. We have a beautiful house, all the necessities and more. However, this still doesn’t compare to her friends’ families in her eyes.
Their families go on extravagant vacations, drive luxury cars and wear designer clothes. She constantly asks why we can’t give her the same lifestyle. What hurts the most is that she speaks about our financial situation with embarrassment.
I know she’s young and doesn’t fully understand the value of money yet, but her words hurt. I don’t want to raise a child who believes her worth is tied to money. How can I help her have gratitude regarding our financial situation?
— Perspective
DEAR PERSPECTIVE: Your daughter needs to learn that the world is filled with people who have all kinds of experiences, advantages and disadvantages. Rather than constantly comparing herself to others, she must learn to appreciate who she is and what she has.
Being exposed to wealth through these friends is an eye-opener to her, but unfortunately, it is creating anger.
Do your best to teach your daughter that she will have to work hard to build a life for herself, not based on what others have but on what she can create. Encourage her to stop looking outward and to focus on her own potential, just as you did. It will likely be rocky for some time, though.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy at a vulnerable time in my life. He was kind to me, and I fell for him. I realize now how desperate I was.
This guy was nice, but he had nothing to offer — no job, no money, no ambition, no cooking skills, all with a macho attitude. He hardly makes time for me. I figure if he doesn’t have money, the least he can do is show up to be a friend.
Am I so pathetic that I find myself chasing after someone who has so little to offer? Right now, he’s not even offering that. How do I get myself together?
— Sad and Lonely
DEAR SAD AND LONELY: You have answered your own question about this guy: He is not the guy for you. If he were still being kind and attentive, the things he doesn’t have might matter less, but it sounds like he isn’t present.
Turn away from him and toward yourself. What do you want? What do you deserve? What do you need? Do what you can for yourself. Look around to see who in your life can be a friend to you.
Look for kindness — not from him, from life. It is there. Notice that. Cultivate that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
