DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are approaching our 40th anniversary. Friends and family have already begun to mention the upcoming milestone.
While I politely acknowledge the event, I hide my indifference. You see, my wife has always been a serial cheater. It’s a secret I have kept from everyone, especially our children.
Because she has always been a wonderful mother, I would never do anything to tarnish their love and appreciation of her. The children are a large part of the reason I have remained married. Aside from her betrayal, she has been a good wife and companion, and I still love her.
Our children are grown and on their own now. We have a beautiful grandson.
During her affairs, I fought depression by submerging myself in work and crying when alone. We both retired a couple of years ago, and that is when the reality of the past 40 years hit me. I no longer have the crutch of work to help me through.
Our marriage has been sexless since she went through menopause 15 years ago. I have been loyal to her all these years, but I still desire intimacy.
I have a few female friends who, in the past, have shown an interest in more intimate relationships. Would it be wrong to rekindle and move forward with an old friend? I have no intention of leaving my wife, but I am so in need of something more.
— FORTY YEARS A FOOL
DEAR ‘FOOL’: Have you actually talked to your wife (whom you love) about this?
Many postmenopausal women whose libidos have declined still enjoy sex. This is a subject she should have discussed with her gynecologist 15 years ago because this is not an insurmountable problem.
If she refuses, you would be within your rights to tell her you want the same dispensation you have given her for 40 years of infidelity, because you still need and desire intimacy. Her response will tell you everything you need to know.
DEAR ABBY: I allow myself to have dessert on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but I have been eating dessert on days I have deemed “dessert-free.”
Can you please help me to stop my struggle on my no-dessert days?
— CRAVING IT IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CRAVING IT: I understand (only too well!) the mindset that a meal isn’t complete unless there’s something sweet at the end of the main course.
Years ago, a psychologist friend shared with me that she resolved her craving for something sweet by bringing a ginger snap cookie in her purse when she went to restaurants. When she was finished with her meal, she ate half of the cookie. She said it satisfied her craving without sabotaging her diet.
Try it. If it doesn’t work for you, consider substituting a piece of fresh fruit for the cookie.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
