DEAR HARRIETTE: Out of nowhere, my mom confided in me that she never really enjoyed being a mother.
She said that since I am 45 years old, she feels like she can finally be honest about it. She told me she loves me and my siblings, but the day-to-day experience of raising us was overwhelming and exhausting. She said working full-time and then coming home to care for three children felt like a burden she never really wanted.
She even admitted that if she could go back, she wouldn’t have had kids at all.
I’m trying to be understanding. I appreciate her honesty, and I know parenting is hard, especially for women of her generation who had fewer choices and support systems, but I can’t lie: Her words stung.
I keep wondering if that’s why sometimes she seemed distant or irritable when we were growing up. It’s like I’m reprocessing parts of my childhood with this new lens, and it’s bringing up a lot of complex feelings.
Should I talk to her about it more? Should I be grateful for her honesty, or is it OK that I’m hurt by her admission?
— Trying To Make Sense of It
DEAR TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT: Consider your mother’s admission an opening for you both to speak candidly about the past.
Be compassionate. It is a big job and a huge responsibility to care for children. Every mother has meltdowns, though it sounds like your mother’s state of mind was more extreme than some.
Let her know you appreciate her honesty, and describe how it has impacted you. Tell her you want to be able to share your reaction without her becoming defensive.
Perhaps you can both heal by talking together about the past and the present.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I made a big mistake.
I am working on a job with a group of people, and one is getting on my nerves. After months of doing virtually nothing, she wrote a note to me about things that need to get done. I responded well, but at the end of the email I called her out for not being available like she had promised — not in a mean way, but in a direct way.
What I didn’t realize is that I hit reply-all.
Now everybody on the team knows that I’m ticked with her. That is not a way to build morale.
How can I make amends so that I don’t have a grumpy contractor on the job?
— Oops
DEAR OOPS: Write to the contractor directly or call her and apologize for sharing your complaint with the whole team. Explain that you were frustrated and didn’t share your frustration well, but that you truly do need her to step up and do her part.
Ask her what she needs in order to be successful. Do your best to provide that, even if you don’t want to do so. As the leader, encourage her to do her part.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
